May 2015



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Feb. 3rd, 2015

Up A Cup

I may have been diagnosed with the stupidest reason for back pain ever. The rest of this post is going behind a cut because you probably don't want to read about my health problems. It's not graphic, but it is really dumb. If this is actually what the problem is I'm never going to live it down.

Sep. 5th, 2014


Since I seem to be unable to keep myself from getting into controversial topics lately... have a post on the leaked photos.

Currently, I'm taking a class on tort law, and yesterday our entire class period was dedicated to discussing this scandal. For those of you who must live under a rock, since it's been everywhere, some celebrities got their iCloud accounts hacked and their nude photographs leaked. Apparently, this is a Really Big Fucking Deal, because Jennifer Lawrence's naked photographs ended up on The Fappening. So now the FBI is involved (and really, they don't have anything better to do, like catch terrorists?) and there's talk of prosecuting everyone who downloaded the photos with sexual assault. I honestly don't think that's going to fly, unless someone downloaded the photos of the underaged girls who were included in the data breach, because the professor says that would fall under possession of child pornography. That said, she also said it would be likely for the underaged girls to be charged with creation and dissemination of child pornography, so maybe, maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see.

But because everyone has been freaking the fuck out about this, some even potentially bigger issues have gone completely unreported. Well, not completely. Back from my days in the IT world, I already knew about a website called Data Breach Today which chronicles important things that have been hacked. Have you heard about the Home Depot credit card information breach? Unless you read IT news or follow the business pages, probably not, because everyone's been lamenting the photographs. Did you know about the hack? Again, probably not, because while everyone has been hooting and hollering about Jennifer Lawrence's nudes, theyv'e ignored other things.

Hacking is bad, guys, don't do it, and don't go download stolen photographs. But I will be honest- I am more concerned with the credit card thefts than I am with the photo leaks.

Sorry if this post doesn't make a lot of sense... I've been having an allergy attack for the past few days and I can barely see straight. I took some medicine that's made me really loopy and it's kind of hard to type logically.

Jul. 9th, 2014

Research Results

Just in case anyone has been wondering what the hell has happened to me lately, I've been trying desperately to cram 14 weeks of class into eight weeks of class, and I've been trying really, really hard to get a project that should have taken four months into one one month. It's also made a lot more complicated by the fact that the professor picked the database we're supposed to be getting the data from, and unfortunately for me, he gave me one that is both very difficult to navigate and that is slightly awkward to have to write about. Yes, that's right folks, the professor has told me my data needs to come from the Race and Religion database.

Isn't it just my luck that I'd get stuck with the most sensitive, potentially explosively offensive dataset. I tried to do something that I thought would be relatively inoffensive (which race goes to church most often), but it's still incredibly awkward.

It hasn't been all bad- I've learned a lot about African-American churches from my research, and it's been pretty interesting. But I'm not particularly religious myself, so it feels kind of strange to be reading all of this stuff. The librarian at the government library gave me a really weird look when I had to ask for the books I needed (and yes, the university library is still out of commission, so I had to use the government one. Which was a huge pain in the ass since it's like an hour away and you have to go through a lot of rigamarole to get access to it). Is it that hard to believe that I might be interested in the topic? Well, maybe it is, and I did need to access some pretty arcane, unusual information for it.

Another problem with this topic of research is that it isn't always clear whether or not something will actually be of use for the project until you're about halfway through the seventy-five page document or the 400 page book. Really, it's a good thing I can read as fast as I do. The problem is that all of these professors and researches like to give their work the most pretentious-sounding titles, so you'll find something that sounds like it might actually be of use. You're reading along, bopping through the text, hmm, this is interesting, I wonder where the data is, and then you'll get to the paragraph where the writer will say “and so, now we relate this back to our woman's studies perspective” or “we will now engage with this information from a queer studies perspective” or in one really memorable case, going off on a racist tangent. That's when you spend about five minutes swearing under your breath, cursing the writer of the paper/book, the professor, the government library, the database, the university, and everything else you can think of before moving on to the next one. And then the cycle repeats itself all over again.

Truthfully, it's times like this that I sort of regret changing my major. Well, that's a lie- I regret it every day, but I didn't really have a choice. If there is such a thing as reincarnation I hope that in my next life I will be better at math, so that I can go back to being an information technology person. That was all I wanted out of life, really.

But it didn't turn out that way.

Jun. 23rd, 2014

You've Got To Be Kidding Me

My university's library system, is, to put it quite bluntly, utter shit. If the articles database hasn't crashed, then the card catalog crashed, and if neither of those have crashed, then the Blackboard site is down. Today, I thought it was a miracle all three things were working. Unfortunately I needed to get an actual physical book from the library, only I found out that the actual library itself has crashed. Or, at least, the sprinkler system did. It malfunctioned, and they're not letting anyone into the library until the thing is fixed- and the estimated time of that happening is sometime in July. Which isn't going to work, because the paper I need to write is due sometime in July.

This is why I didn't want to take a summer class. My university is remarkably incompetent even when there is a normal class session in progress. With most people on holiday now, it's really a miracle that the campus is still standing, considering how poorly things seem to work around here.

Really, it’s a huge pain. I can’t wait until I’ve graduated. Then I’ll finally be free from all of this hassle, unless the company I end up working for has the same problems.

Jun. 2nd, 2014

Smooth Move, Kaboom

Sorry in advance guys, this might be a bit disgusting.
Today is not going very well.

Not only do my summer classes start today, but I practically cut off the top of my thumb accidentally by trying to cut some bread for lunch. I was actually a bit concerned I might need to go to the hospital, because it did bleed quite a bit, but I don't think it's really big enough to need stitches. Hopefully it won't bleed through the tourniquet though, that would be annoying and I don't have very many cloth bandages. I'd really prefer to not have to go buy more, those things are expensive. As it is I'm probably going to need to change the bandages before I go to class at 4:00.

Ugh, what a hassle. And what an auspicious start to the summer term. It almost feels like an omen, you know? Cut your hand open the day your classes start, maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.

Please excuse any typos. The bandages make it hard to type and I keep typing "v" when I mean to hit the spacebar.

May. 24th, 2014

This Should Have Been Settled A Decade Ago

But apparently it's not. How many fucking times do we have to go over this? I remember why I stopped hanging out on the website this came up on in the first place, too- too much of this kind of shit.

Why someone preferes to read and write slash (as opposed to het or femslash) is none of your fucking concern. It's their business. Not your business. Theirs. Not yours. You dig?

It does not mean they hate women. It does not mean they have hangups with their own sexuality. Maybe it's just what they prefer.

But Longcat almighty, this seems to pop up at the weirdest times. I was on an anonymous commenting board and someone was talking about the new fic they were planning, which was a very long slash novel-length fic. Almost immediately, someone jumped on them to demand what their gender was and their sexual orientation, and that if they weren't a gay guy they hated their own gender.

This shit has been going on since I've been in fandom, which is getting on 10 years now. And it never stops coming up.

Everyone who keeps dredging this up (and yes, this probably includes me) needs to get the fuck over themselves. Does it really matter what someone does as their hobby? I don't care what you do in your spare time as long as it's not something like, I dunno, eating people or whatever. It's just not my concern. Unfortunately, the rest of humanity hasn't seemed to catch up to that yet.

Apr. 7th, 2014


I really don't care about your Important Thoughts on Important Social Issues. Especially not in your fanfiction.

I read fanfiction for the lulz. Not as a replacement for an Angry Studies class. ESPECIALLY not fanfiction that is advertised as a humorous crack fic where the characters go on an adventure to save their city from evil aliens kidnapping all the men, which is what this was supposed to be. I do not want to read your Very Important Feelings on political lesbianism. I don't even know what the fuck that's supposed to mean- like lesbian politicians? Which could be interesting. BUT NOT IN THE GODDAMN CRACK FIC.

AAAAAAARGH. I have a headache now.

Mar. 31st, 2014


I'm in that weird headspace again where the only thing I want to do anymore is drink and then sleep. The past few weeks have been an exercise in disappointment and upset, and I'm really tired of it all.

I honestly haven't felt this bad since I left my first university- and this might even be worse than that.

Don't worry, I'm not at the critical point yet, just starting to wonder what the point is to all of this. I work my ass off to get a damn letter at the top of the piece of paper and then it ends up not being the right letter. It doesn't matter how much I study, my grades never improve. I feel like I can't relate to anyone anymore, and my parents' moving preparations are just grating on me all the time. I actually got in the first major fight with my dad since I was in middle school the other day, and I've been feeling really shaky ever since. It honestly was my fault, but still- I haven't felt the desire to lash out at him like that for, what, eight years now?

Some of you may know that I have some health problems. Please don't worry- I don't think this is a symptom of them flaring up again, I've just been very stressed out lately and I haven't really been dealing with it in the healthiest of ways as of late. I have been sleeping for about fifteen hours a day when possible, and I probably shouldn't do that. I will probably be better once the semester ends and things calm down- it's just the double punch to the face of the preparations and the amount of work I've had to do this semester has been pretty bad, and I haven't been handling it well. Or, I was handling it well, until the other day.

So if I'm not around as much as usual, that's why. I don't have much energy once I've finished with the work I have to do and the only thing I have the capacity to do is watch stupid Youtube videos and sleep again.

Things should hopefully be back to normal soon.

Feb. 24th, 2014


Yesterday, I turned 22.

I really don't feel all that different now, to be hoenst. Except now I'm kind of hungover, since I deank 2/3 of a pitcher of sangria with dinner. That probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done. But it was tasty- sweet and tangy with plenty of fruit mixed in. Mmmm, sangria.

Sorry. Anyway, this is one of two times a year that I start to really reasses things and think about where my life is going. One is at New Year, the other is at my birthday. Granted, my birthday is less than two months after New Year, so the other 10 months of the year I just kind of blindly wander through. But this time, I think I may have to reasses soon.

Some of you may know that in another year my parents will be moving. And... I'm not super happy about this. To me, it feels kind of like I'm being forced out of my home, because, well, I am. Nobody asked me if I wanted to leave the home I've had for thirteen years now. Nobody asked me, “oh hey Kaboom, are you going to be done with university?” Nobody asked me if I thought it was a good idea. Instead, one day two years ago I hear from my parents, “oh yeah by the way we're moving across the goddamn country in 2015.”

Now, to be fair, I knew I was going to move eventually. Whether I got a job with a corporation in another city, or if I emigrated, clearly I was going to have to move eventually. But in that case, I would be moving on my terms, not anyone else's. Instead, I'm being forced out with no choice.

How does this relate to my birthday? Well, if things happen quicker than expected I may be celebrating my 23rd birthday in either my friend's apartment where I'll be crashing until further notice, or in my parent's new house, if it even exists at that point. Amazingly, nobody seems to have any clue when we'll have to move, except for “uhhh... sometime in 2015, maybe late 2014.” I have told my parents in no uncertain terms, however, that I am not leaving the house until 2015, and I'll stay here and pay the rent if I have to. I will not have graduated, I haven't had enough time to find alternate housing, and my younger brother will be graduating from high school in June of next year. If the company decides my parents need to move in November (which is when the first wave of moves are supposed to begin), then fuck it, I'm not going anywhere and they're just going to have to deal with it. My mother agrees, and if it comes down to it my father will move before anyone else, so we can have the house a little longer, while my mother stays behind with my brother and I.

I mean, I am an adult, I should be able to live on my own. And I would if I could afford it. Where I live now, the rent is ridiculous. I'd probably have to live with several other people just to afford a shitty studio apartment. Yeah, that's not going to happen. I can't afford to live here, but I really do not want to move to where my parents are going. The state they are moving to got hit a lot harder by the recession- currently it's basically a post-apocalyptic wasteland with no job prospects. But everyone keeps trying to talk it up to me. “Oh, Kaboom, [State] is awesome! There's all kinds of fun things to do there!” Yeah, like get shot and be unemployed. That sounds like so much fun, I can't hardly wait.

All in all, it was kind of difficult birthday for me. Knowing that this might very well be the last time I spend it with my family, and if it isn't, then in a few months after that I might be in their nightmarish dystopia of a “better life.” Yeah, that's going to be super fun. I can't wait! Maybe I'll even live to be 24, if things go well! Live fast die young, as they say.

Urgh. I think I need more sangria.

Feb. 5th, 2014

In Which I Get Screwed By The University Again

Anyone who's read my blog before probably knows about my ongoing fight with the university I attend- it seems like every single damn semester something else gets screwed up and I end up having to do damage control for something that wasn't my fault in the first place, yet it gets blamed on me. This time is no exception.

Yesterday I was late for a class because, apparently, the university oversold its designated parking permits over the winter holiday. Previously, in all of the semesters I have attended this particular university, my part of the parking garage that I have the access card for has been more or less empty. It's never been difficult to find a parking place, mainly because the area I park in is 1- expensive as fuck to get the access card for, and 2- in the middle of nowhere. But apparently the general spots were too difficult to find, so people started paying more for the more expensive permits. Which wouldn't be a problem if the university didn't oversell them. So now there's way more people parking in the place I have the permit for than there are parking places. Which is a problem- especially because I can't park outside of that designated area without getting a $150 parking ticket. I can't afford to pay $150 every time I need to go to class!

As usual, the university doesn't give a shit about the students. We're just there for them to bleed dry for money.

Jan. 25th, 2014

My First Semester

The past few days it's been ridiculously cold here, and this morning I woke up aching all over. I think it happened because I had to walk to class yesterday in bitter cold, the kind of cold that seeps into your bones and makes you feel frozen from the inside out. I had to take an hour-long shower when I got home to be able to feel anything in my extremities again. An auspicious start to my first semester in my new major.

My professors seem... interesting this time. I don't want to talk too much about what they're like with details because some of them are pretty unique, and it could out me and them, and I don't particularly want my professors reading my blog. Because that's just weird. But most of them seem like they'll be pretty good. However, there's one guy I'm a bit concerned about. If I had to guess I'd guess he's in his mid to late seventies, and he is either going senile or he has some pretty severe ADHD that was never diagnosed. He bounces around, and can't seem to keep his mind on track. He ranted on and on about... psychology, I think it was, for forty-five minutes before he managed to steer himself back on track. This wasn't a psychology class. This was a government class. The guys seems like a nice enough person, but... I don't know how I am supposed to pass the class if he can't remember what class he's supposed to be teaching.

Of course, it was only the first day. Maybe he'll manage to figure things out better once the semester gets into full swing.

I'm also really not looking forward to some of the projects I will have to do in my classes. All of them- every single one- has at least one group project. Considering I failed a class because of a group project last spring, I'm considering playing up the “I have medical issues” card to get out of it. I cannot afford to fail any more classes because I got stuck with a bunch of dumbfucks in my group. I need to graduate as soon as possible, as well as keep my GPA up if I want to be accepted with either a Japanese/English teacher exchange, or if I want to be accepted to a good law school. And I worry that if I am forced into more group projects I will have difficulty again this semester. Unfortunately, making hay of the fact that I have medical issues probably won't help much in the long term- if it goes in my file I might not get accepted to either of the things I am considering doing after college.

Honestly, I just want the weather to get better ASAP. I'm cold, and tired, and grouchy, and this semester isn't really off to the best start. At least it might be bearable if it wasn't -5 F with the windchill and I had to walk a mile in that weather. At least I would feel healthier and not be huddled around a computer and a space-heater trying to warm the cold out of my bones.

Jan. 18th, 2014

It's Happening

I always knew this day would come. I suppose one could say that it was ingrained in my destiny from my birth. I had no way to escape it- in fact, I'm probably lucky it's taken this long for it to happen, considering it had completed in my aunt by the time she was twenty.

I am talking, of course, about gray hair.

My hair is going gray, and it's advancing quite rapidly. In the past several weeks, I've noticed an exponential increase in my hair going gray, and it's even gotten to the point that my dad noticed it. He rarely ever notices things like that. But nope, last weekend I went downstairs for breakfast, and my dad turns to me, and says, “Kaboom, your hair... did you try to bleach it or something?”

No, I haven't tried to bleach my hair. I would look pretty ridiculous if I tried to bleach it. I am not one of those people who would look good as a blonde- I'm too pale, I'd look practically invisible. So when I said I hadn't tried bleaching anything, my dad sighs and says that means my hair is going gray.

He was right. And it sucks.

I know people in my family tend to get gray hair a lot younger than most people do- I have an aunt who started going gray at fifteen and was completely gray by twenty. I'll be twenty-two in a few weeks, so at least I managed to get through my teenage years without having to worry about gray hair. But still. It's awkward, because generally people don't start getting gray hair until later in their adulthood, but here I am just barely four years considered a legal adult and I'm already going gray.


Jan. 13th, 2014

Kaboom Goes On A Diet

Or tries to, at least.

Last Wednesday I decided to try to make good on one of my New Year resolutions: to lose weight. Since then, I've been trying to restrict myself to 1500 calories a day.

It's a lot harder than I expected. Not only are a lot of foods higher in calories than I expected (seriously, rice is 400 calories. What the fuck), I want to eat everything now. And I do mean everything- yesterday I was craving french fries with ketchup. I absolutely despise ketchup normally, even the smell of it makes me retch. But for some reason, I really wanted to eat it. Which is absolutely baffling to me. I can only assume that my brain is trying to sabotage me in more ways than one- first, to screw up my diet, and secondly, to make me sick. Although maybe if it made me sick I would lose weight faster.

Also, diet food tastes lousy. It's hard to be motivated to lose weight when everything tastes like cardboard. Like, yum, I can eat some special diet crackers. Yay. I totally want to stay on this diet to get healthier, and I can't have anything I actually like. No macaroons, no cake, no pasta, no nothing actually yummy. Crackers until Doomsday.

I know this sounds like I'm complaining a lot, but I am just cranky. I used to eat a lot, and it's only been about a week since I started. My mother says it gets easier after a few weeks, but I don't know. This is pretty hard.

Maybe once I lose weight I can actually start eating real food again once in a while.

Dec. 21st, 2013

Integration Under The Moon of Codes

I recently discovered this song- apparently it's an ending from a video game or something? Anyway, while I love the music, it hurts me to listen to it, because it's a reminder of everything I've lost this year.

My entire life. My entire life up until this point was spent preparing to go into information technology, and now, thanks to goddamn calculus, my whole life plan is laying shattered at my feet. Maybe I'll go to law school now, but I never really wanted to be a lawyer.

At least the song is good, even though I cried for about an hour after I heard it the first time.

Oct. 25th, 2013

It Never Ends

This past week has not gone well, and as a result, some changes have been made. Not to the Lawn, but to my life in general.

I am no longer majoring in information technology. I am not entirely certain as of this point what I will do to replace it, but I realized this week that if I wanted to graduate from college some time before 2020-ish I would have to change my major to something else. The way the university kept re-arranging the required courses, and the way I was likely going to fail a pre-calculus class meant that graduating with an IT degree was going to be very difficult.

Unfortunately, this also means that a part of my life is coming to an end, and I'm not really sure how to deal with it. Since I was a little girl I wanted to go into information technology, work with computers. I had never considered doing anything else with my life, until relatively recently, with the thought that I might attempt to go to Japan to teach English, despite the fact that I had never before considered teaching. Essentially, twenty-one years of life preparation came to an end this week, and I'm sort of still reeling from that. And now I'm even less sure of what I want to do with my life than I was when I left high school.

It is difficult, to see all those years of hopes disappear like that. It is painful, especially because if I'm honest with myself, messing around with computers is really all that I'm good at. I'm not very good at anything else. I'm socially awkward and withdrawn, I'm lazy, and if I'm brutally honest, I'm not all that smart. To make matters worse, about a week and a half ago I had the fan on my laptop break, and I had to send it away for repairs because I couldn't find a proper fan that would work with it. So I'm even pretty incompetent at the one thing I thought I was actually halfway good at. On top of an already shitty week, it was like an extra punch in the face. Way to kick me when I'm down, universe. (I actually just got the computer back this morning).

So what does this mean?

Well, it means I'm going to get a random degree. Something that hopefully will help me get a job, hopefully something that helps me propel myself toward Japan. It also means that my resolve to get out of here has determined. Now that I'm not majoring in IT it's even less likely that I'll be able to get a job in the US after graduation. If I do stay in the US, I don't know what my job prospects would be like. To be honest, I don't know what they would be like in another country, either, but if I can get a contract to teach English, things might work out.


Right now, I honestly don't know what to do. It's like someone stole the chair right out from under my ass, and now I'm sitting on the floor wondering what the hell happened.

Sep. 28th, 2013

Why, TV Show, Why?!

All summer I was really looking forward to the new Avengers spin-off television show, Agents of SHIELD. Last Tuesday, the first episode aired. My dad and I got a bucket of popcorn and watched it on the television in the living room, and halfway through, my dad got up to get his computer because he didn't want to watch anymore. I continued through to the end, becoming a bit more annoyed with every second that passed. At this point I don't know if I'm going to watch it next week, even though I was so excited for it.


Because I was led to believe that this show was going to focus on Agent Phil Coulson and the other SHIELD agents, not on some annoying side character that decides she wants to join SHIELD. The character of Skye, the computer hacker that ends up becoming part of SHIELD's effort to save the guy who'd been injected with the serum? She was teeth-grittingly annoying.

Normally, she's the kind of character I'd like- good with computers! Kind of snarky! But all of that is offset by how goddamn annoying she is. It's like, Joss Whedon was aiming for a sort of female Julian Assange, but overshot it by about ten thousand miles. Instead, she comes off more like that really obnoxious girl in your high school who always was up in everyone's business and liked to spread rumors. I don't particularly like people like that.

And really, the plot dragged. I don't think the storyline they ended up going with was complex enough to carry an entire hour-long pilot episode. Really, the whole thing seemed like an expensive YouTube video. I've not really ever watched any of Joss Whedon's other television programs before- I once tried to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but I found it kind of boring. Several people I know have been trying to get me to watch some other Whedon productions by saying he's really good, creative, and he writes a lot of female characters. I have to say, if this first episode is typical of Whedon's television productions, I'm really not impressed.

I might give it another go, but if it doesn't shape up I'm probably going to be in a bad mood until Thor 2 comes out. I want my Avengers-universe stuff to actually be good, dammit!

Sep. 11th, 2013

Kaboom vs. Laundry Detergent

Normally, laundry is the one household chore I don't mind doing that much. I like to make the clothes clean and nice-smelling, and I like to fold the things that need to be folded and put them away neatly. I don't usually bother with trying to pick up things most of the time, but I do treat the laundry well. It's kind of a point of pride for me.

The only thing I don't like about it is the constant battle to find laundry detergent that I like and that won't screw up the obnoxious high-efficiency “green” washing machine my mother bought a few years back. Yeah, the old one was older than I am, but at least it didn't need expensive specialty high-efficiency laundry detergent to wash my damn clothes! Whenever I go to buy laundry detergent I despair at the fact that all the nice-smelling and inexpensive detergent isn't designed to be used in high-efficiency machines. Not that I can always use the really inexpensive kind (I tend to be allergic to the Walmart brand), but it would still be nice to not have to shell out $20+ whenever I need to get more detergent. And the Internet doesn't always have what I need- yeah, they have a good selection, but I also don't need a thousand gallons of laundry detergent. A lot of people don't know this, but you shouldn't keep your detergent for more than three or so months, because it can and does go bad. I learned that the hard way when I bought some nice Aerie laundry detergent and tried to use it as little as possible to make it last. It went off after about four months and instead of smelling nice, it started to smell a little funky. So I had to throw that out and go buy more.

Much to my irritation, however, Aerie has decided to stop producing it. I loved that detergent. It smelled nice, didn't fuck up the washing machine, and it didn't make me itch or give me an attack of the zits. So now I need to find a new kind of detergent that I like as much that doesn't do any of the above. Which might be difficult, because most detergents only fit at most two of the criteria. You can have something that smells nice and doesn't give me an allergic reaction, but it won't work in high-efficiency machines. You can have something that smells nice and works in high-efficiency machines, but it will make me itch like mad. And there's tons of stuff that works in high-efficiency machines and won't make me itch, but it smells like pure, concentrated ass. Even stuff that is supposed to be “fragrance-free” smells like chemicals to me. Now, I don't mind chemical smells in small amounts, but I don't like it on my clothes.

And even if there is something that fits all of the above, sometimes we can't use it anyway because my father or brother doesn't like it. I was okay with the Method detergents, but my brother hates how they smell and how they fail to get his exercise clothes clean (to which I say, just don't get them that disgusting in the first place? Maybe wash them after you wear them ONCE, instead of waiting a month to do the wash?).

So hopefully I'll be able to order some more Aerie detergent online, but if I can't... well, it's going to be a frustrating few months until I find something that works. And knowing my luck they'll stop production of that thing once I find it.

Sep. 4th, 2013


I'm currently procrastinating on doing anything useful because I can't stop sneezing and my throat is itching like mad no matter how many chips I eat in an attempt to scratch the itch. I've taken medicine and the only thing that's done is make me sleepy. It's done nothing to stop the itching or the sneezing.

I hate ragweed, I hate fall. I hate everything. >:(

Aug. 19th, 2013


I swear to god, if I ever meet the jackass who decided it would be a brilliant idea to force an upgrade of the university's email system, and then put a fucking idiot in charge, I'm going to punch them in the face. Thanks to this fucker I can no longer access my email account, and I am getting error messages in fucking Hebrew. I cannot read Hebrew, and Google Translate seems to kind of suck and translating that language, because all i'm getting is a bunch of whaargarble when I try to translate it.

They always do this- they contract out the IT work to the lowest bidder, we end up with some moron bangning on a keyboard, and then the system becomes entirely unusable for a month or so. I've sent emails to the help desk, but considering they're the morons that fucked it up in the first place my hopes are not high that they'll be able to fix it. This is especially irritating because that email address is linked to my financial accounts. If I cannot access that email address, I am not getting information from my credit card company or Paypal.

FUCK. Just once I would appreciate it if the university could actually do something competent for a change.

Jul. 29th, 2013


As of yesterday, I’m back in the United States. Instead of being relieved to be home, however, I feel a sort of sense of loss.

Maybe it was because I was actually happy for once when I was in Japan. I didn’t wake up every morning full of despair that I was going to have to face another day- dredge myself up out of bed to another day of mind-numbing boredom at work or school or both, only to come home and try to numb the numbness even more by wasting time on the Internet in a vain attempt to stimulate my mind. Maybe it was because the more time I spent in Japan, the more it started to look like I could actually have a future there, a better life. All through elementary through high school, everyone told us that America was the land of the opportunity- people from all over the world came here to have a better life- my ancestors did. But at the same time, I started to feel like I might actually be able to have some sort of life in Japan- I could get a job with a company without a college degree, I could teach English or computer science without a degree, from what I was told.

An acquaintance of mine told me that the job market in Japan is so much better than in America, and they told me that I’d be able to get work. He suggested that I come back to America for a while, then try to apply for immigration permits. And I have to say that the suggestion has merit, and it’s very tempting. I could have a better life. I could actually have a life in general, not just one where I sort of… exist, like what I’ve been doing for the past twenty-one years.

But, it’s futile. I’m going to stay in college in the US, and by the time I manage to graduate the opportunities will probably all be gone. I will likely live out the rest of my life the way I’ve lived it up to this point now.

It frustrates me. I saw, for seven wonderful weeks, that I could have a future, that I could actually be happy somewhere. I haven’t even been back in the US for twenty-four hours, before my parents are getting on my case about graduating from school, doing x, doing y, doing z. It’s enough to drive a person out of their mind.

Finally, I’d like to end with a song I sang at karaoke one night, that sums up my feelings on this matter pretty well. The translation isn’t entirely accurate, but the song is very difficult to properly translate into English, and it is more or less correct, just not the exact words at the right time.

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