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Dec. 21st, 2013

Integration Under The Moon of Codes

I recently discovered this song- apparently it's an ending from a video game or something? Anyway, while I love the music, it hurts me to listen to it, because it's a reminder of everything I've lost this year.

My entire life. My entire life up until this point was spent preparing to go into information technology, and now, thanks to goddamn calculus, my whole life plan is laying shattered at my feet. Maybe I'll go to law school now, but I never really wanted to be a lawyer.

At least the song is good, even though I cried for about an hour after I heard it the first time.

Jul. 29th, 2013


As of yesterday, I’m back in the United States. Instead of being relieved to be home, however, I feel a sort of sense of loss.

Maybe it was because I was actually happy for once when I was in Japan. I didn’t wake up every morning full of despair that I was going to have to face another day- dredge myself up out of bed to another day of mind-numbing boredom at work or school or both, only to come home and try to numb the numbness even more by wasting time on the Internet in a vain attempt to stimulate my mind. Maybe it was because the more time I spent in Japan, the more it started to look like I could actually have a future there, a better life. All through elementary through high school, everyone told us that America was the land of the opportunity- people from all over the world came here to have a better life- my ancestors did. But at the same time, I started to feel like I might actually be able to have some sort of life in Japan- I could get a job with a company without a college degree, I could teach English or computer science without a degree, from what I was told.

An acquaintance of mine told me that the job market in Japan is so much better than in America, and they told me that I’d be able to get work. He suggested that I come back to America for a while, then try to apply for immigration permits. And I have to say that the suggestion has merit, and it’s very tempting. I could have a better life. I could actually have a life in general, not just one where I sort of… exist, like what I’ve been doing for the past twenty-one years.

But, it’s futile. I’m going to stay in college in the US, and by the time I manage to graduate the opportunities will probably all be gone. I will likely live out the rest of my life the way I’ve lived it up to this point now.

It frustrates me. I saw, for seven wonderful weeks, that I could have a future, that I could actually be happy somewhere. I haven’t even been back in the US for twenty-four hours, before my parents are getting on my case about graduating from school, doing x, doing y, doing z. It’s enough to drive a person out of their mind.

Finally, I’d like to end with a song I sang at karaoke one night, that sums up my feelings on this matter pretty well. The translation isn’t entirely accurate, but the song is very difficult to properly translate into English, and it is more or less correct, just not the exact words at the right time.

Sep. 25th, 2012

You can't even give me this?

Sometimes, not often, but occasionally, I really regret choosing to transfer from my first university and move back in with my parents. Today is one of those days.

Most of you know that pretty much every day, I do three things: go to work, go to class, and get on the Internet. Woo. Exciting life. Occasionally I'll do something different- go out with some of my friends, see a movie, go shopping at an actual store... but most of the time, I'm either working or studying. It seems like my mom is on my case about that all the time, too- “Kaboom, if you don't live while you're young you're going to regret it when you get older!” Yeah, thanks a lot mom, like I didn't know that, especially not with you rubbing my face in it every goddamn day. And when she's not doing that, she's always going on about how I need to get off the Internet and do something else for a change.

It's not like my dad is much better. Sometimes, he'll be all like, “Kaboom, I really regret buying you that TV. You never come out of your room! Come and interact with the rest of us on occasion, it's alright!” Yeah, I'd feel a lot more confident about that if I wasn't getting lectured about how to be a “responsible adult” or “how to enjoy my life” or “don't work so much, you need to focus on your studies and have fun.” But, anyway, lately I've been doing just that- going downstairs to use the big-ass television in the living room that connects to Amazon and watch some instant videos from Amazon Prime. We all have it- I have it, my parents have it, my brother has it- and one of the television series that is available for free on Prime is The West Wing. It's a political drama that started airing in 1999, although you can't tell that unless you see the really old computers/cell phones/pagers the characters use. It's relevant enough that it could have been written yesterday. Anyway, I've been watching this show, one or two episodes a day, for the past week and a half. I didn't think anything of it, until my mom came in today after I shut the television off, and started talking to me. Apparently, I shouldn't be watching this heavy, depressing show on such a beautiful autumn day. I shouldn't dwell on the depressing topics that the show discusses. Well, thanks a lot mom, I wasn't actually “dwelling” on anything until you brought it up. After that, it turned into a half-hour argument about what I'm doing with my life.

For someone who's so obsessed with me going to university, it's a bit odd that she's so focused on me doing things other than studying and working. Before I got my job, every single day it was “go get a job, you lazy moocher!” Now that I have a job? “You need to work less, your schoolwork should be your first priority!” When I'm actually studying? “Go out and make some friends!” MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND. I can't do multiple things at once, And when I finally DO take a break from working my ass off nonstop to watch a television show I find interesting, I can't even do that? I don't know what the fuck she wants me to do! If everything I do is somehow bad, then what the hell am I supposed to do? Sit in my room and stare at the wall all day? No, that's not productive either. I have to work my ass off, yet have fun, but when I actually try to have fun, I'm doing it wrong? Nobody gave me an instruction manual on how I'm supposed to spend my free time! My watching television isn't hurting anyone, why does she care?

And wonderful. I just wrote a fucking novel on my mom complaining about me watching The West Wing, of all things. When did I move into Bizarro World, and why didn't anyone tell me?

Jan. 26th, 2012

Well, this is a great start...

It all started last Friday, when I went to work a nine-hour shift while not feeling well. It wasn't too bad, just a bit of a scratchy throat, so I decided that I'd be able to do it. Unfortunately, I was mistaken, and I had a six-hour break in between shifts, when I went to go work yet ANOTHER nine-hour shift. In that six hours, I went from not feeling so great to feeling like death warmed over. I wasn't able to call in to work, because I'd just been there and had been alright, my boss would have been suspicious and denied my request for sick leave anyway. By the end of that second day at work, I was literally thinking about checking myself into the hospital, because I felt that sick.

I had one day off from work, on Sunday, and spent the entire day sleeping and taking shots of NyQuil, desperately trying to get well again because I would be starting the second semester the next day. Unfortunately, I was even worse on Monday than I was on Sunday, and I couldn't take a day off, because I had to go to class (fun fact that I learned last semester- if you miss the first class of the semester in the department I'm studying, you automatically get taken off the roster and have to go deal with the dean of the department to get put back in, and I'll tell you one thing- unless you have a legitimate reason for why you missed the class (eg- you're dead), you'll more or less need an act of Congress to get back in that class. So because I wasn't able to get enough rest to help me recover, I'm still incredibly sick and in an increasingly bad mood. I'm also up to my ass in schoolwork, and it's been what, four days?

Speaking of schoolwork, it probably doesn't help that I was up until 2:00 AM last night trying to get a virus out of my computer that was lurking in the program files we were supposed to install to DO said schoolwork. And I'll tell you one thing, if there's one thing I just LOVE, it's getting viruses off of my computer! (and yes, that was sarcasm).

So yeah, it's been a really auspicious start to this academic semester. I just hope that it doesn't get any worse.

Jul. 5th, 2011

My Fourth of July

I love the Fourth of July. It's one of my favorite holidays, and I look forward to it every year. I come from a long line of pyromaniacs, so we always get a lot of fireworks to launch off, we have special holiday food, and it's been a tradition for the past six years to watch Looney Tunes: Back in Action. Sometimes we'll go see the professional fireworks put on by our city up at the high school, and usually we'll go to the parade.

Yesterday, about the only thing that went right was that we managed to watch the movie.

It's very hard to enjoy a holiday when being around your family feels like trying to defuse a ticking time bomb. The past few weeks, it has become quite apparent that my parent's house needs a lot of work done on it. That much is obvious. But, of course, at Chez Kaboom nothing ever goes as planned, and no one ever manages to agree on anything, so the majority of the morning was spent avoiding the argument going on downstairs. Carpets, the collapsing shed in the backyard, the jammed lock one of the bathroom doors (we haven't been able to get the door open for about a week now), cleaning the gutters, should we call Terminix since we've been seeing termites occasionally, re-sealing the driveway- I don't even know what they were going on about, since it's not like you can really get anything done on a holiday weekend, since many businesses are closed.

Anyway, I did leave the house after a while to spend time with some of my friends, but that didn't end well either. Because I don't think they'd appreciate having their personal business blogged about I'm not going to go into details, but suffice to say that it was not exactly happy fun time holiday talk. We did end up going to see the fireworks, though. And again, that set off a huge shitstorm at home, because I wasn't planning to eat with the family on a holiday, even though they didn't really eat anything special, like we normally would on the Fourth, because the entire day was spent fighting.

At the end of the day, it would have been time to light off my own fireworks, but I just really wasn't in the mood. Which scared the living shit out of me- I'm always in the mood for fireworks, or at least I thought I was. Apparently that doesn't apply when I've been through the emotional wringer on a day that's supposed to be one of my favorites of the year. I was planning on doing a fun post on my holiday, and take some pictures of the pretty fireworks, but I just didn't get around to taking any pictures, and it's a bit hard to have a fun post when the holiday itself was about the furthest thing from fun. Maybe next year. :(

Jan. 6th, 2011

Life Is Complicated

On Saturday I am returning to hell university. I'm in the middle of packing, my room looks like the UPS store exploded, there's boxes everywhere, and I'm in the worst mood I've been in in a very long time. I will say this: with the way things are, and with the way they were last semester, it's a miracle that ANYONE gets through college without becoming an alcoholic. I've already felt driven to drink by the nervousness surrounding the next semester, I can only imagine that the desire is going to quadruple as soon as I get down to campus.

I haven't blogged recently because I've been trying to get my emotions under control. I have some topics that I really want to talk about, but probably should wait until I'm in a more stable place mentally before I try to tackle such controversial topics. I have about all the subtlety of a box of rocks on a good day- right now I know I'd end up saying something idiotic and make an ass out of myself, so I'm holding off on doing any srs bsns discussions until I'm less volatile emotionally. I've also been trying to figure out how to break the news about my life to my new roommate. It's not completely apparent from first meeting me that I'm completely bonkers, but if you're going to live with me it's only a matter of time before it becomes apparent, and I would rather prefer to avoid getting sent off to see the university psychologist because I freaked my roommate out. Only, I don't like to discuss these issues really well- bringing up to ANYONE that doesn't know me about my health problems is hard, especially to someone who is going to be living with me that I don't know. I have spent summers with my friend's family before, but they are used to me and are aware that I have NVLD and paranoia. Trying to explain to a roommate why the door has to be latched at all times and that I can't have guests is very hard, no matter what people always say: Oh, it's no big deal," they'll say, and then if you forget to take your meds ONCE, they freak out and want to call the cops. People. I'm not going to bite you if I don't take my meds right on time- you wouldn't taste very good anyway.

Anyway, I might be disappearing from the Internet until after the 12th of the month, because hopefully by then everything will be somewhat normal again. At least, I hope so.

Dec. 31st, 2010

Looking Back: 2010

Across the world, people are hanging out with their most important people, getting ready to ring in the New Year. What am I doing? I'm sitting in my room, reading some online stories that I'm not too proud to admit that I'm reading and trying to figure out how to make caramelized bananas as a snack. I was going to watch New Year's Rockin' Eve, but I can't get my stupid television antenna to pick up the signal for the station, and if I'm going to be depressed and alone tonight, then goddammit, I'm going to be depressed and alone in my own room, not in the rest of the house.

A year ago today, I sat thinking about how 2010 was going to be my year. Things were going to be different, I thought. I'd be less depressed/crazy in general. I might even be able to get off my medication! I'd finally be out of high school, and everything would be great. I'd make great headway on my plans for leaving the US. I thought I would be happier. 2009 had sucked. It was time for something to go right for once.

Unfortunately, 2010 was just as much of a disaster, if not more.

Oh, sure, it had its good moments, such as my vacations and graduation. But overwhelmingly, the year was horrible. I lost a friend in a horrific electrical accident. A different friend was killed in a car crash on his 19th birthday. Another friend's health took a turn for the worse. My grandmother's health is began to deteriorate. My medication stopped being as useful as it had in the past, and the doctor refused to up the dosage. I went to university, which as you can read from my blog posts here, has been one of the biggest mistakes of my life. A medical issue which I thought I had finally gotten rid of decided to come back with a vengeance a few weeks after I moved to university, actually. I've had money issues. And goddamn it, I'm lonely. I never thought I would say this, but I miss the times earlier in this decade when I actually knew what the hell was going on, back when I was in the middle school and high school grades. I do not miss grade school, as that was a disaster as well.

While I would like to be optimistic, I'm not going to do anything as naive as declare that 2011 is going to be my year. From experience, this tends to jinx years.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year, and don't get too drunk tonight. You will regret starting the new year with a bitch of a hangover. :P

Dec. 17th, 2010

Attack of the Kiosk People

Have any of you ever gone to the mall, intending to do some nice shopping, and then get attacked by vulture-like kiosk people? Yeah. It happened to me again today, and it's happened in the past. Now I have some nail buffer thing and this Dead Sea mud lotion from Israel, and I'm out $30.

Usually when kiosk people attack me, I use the Lithuanian I retained from my childhood to pretend that I do not speak English. Unfortunately, this guy jumped me right as I got off the phone with my friend. Obviously, since he doesn't speak anything other than English, I was speaking English, and the guy heard me, which meant I couldn't fake not understanding him. My brain also froze up, so I couldn't use my other excuse- I have a child back at home and if I buy this crap I can't afford to buy him food for the next week, and I didn't think of that. So the guy keeps talking to me, asking me about my life, and before I know what's going on, he's stuffed the package of nail buffer and lotion into a bag and ringing up my purchase. I was still shell-shocked. Next thing I know I'm walking away with some very expensive mud. I could have gone outside and dug up a bottle of mud for free.

It's actually not very common for me to go out in places where there are aggressive salespeople- I'm very reticent in nature, so dealing with people does not come naturally to me. It's not the first time this has happened to me, either- I've ended up with really shimmery eyeshadow from a kiosk (that wasn't so bad, it was only $11, and I routinely pay more than that for eye makeup), facial peel (that was more problematic- it was $65 and burned my skin off, and they wouldn't take it back), and a cell-phone cover that actually worked pretty well. It kept my Pwned Phone safe for five years (that phone had gone through the washing machine, dropped from two stories up, dropped in a pool, and all kinds of other disasters and survived just fine). Anyway, it's just something else annoying to add to my litany of grievances. Look, Kiosk People, I know you all have to make a living, but seriously, I don't need all this random crap. Especially not mud. Because I can get that anywhere.

Dec. 6th, 2010

Kaboom Goes Shopping


Unlike almost everyone else at this university, I do not have a car, so if I want to go anywhere farther than the local grocery store, I have to take public transit. Up until now, the other times I've taken it I haven't had a problem, and the experience has allowed me to meet some very interesting people. Today, though, the entire trip to the shopping district was completely miserable.

First, I nearly missed the bus from the university thanks to the kamikaze golf-cart drivers here. Administrators and maintenance people get around the campus on golf-carts, and they kind of drive suicidally. If you don't want to get squashed you'd better get the hell out of the way or you'll find yourself in the hospital. Apparently if you get hit by a golf-cart they'll pay for all four years of your tuition, but that's assuming you survive/aren't permanently paralyzed as a result of the accident. But that's neither here nor there- the reason I almost missed the bus was because to avoid getting run over, I had to wait while not one, not two, but three golf-carts drove past.  So I see the bus going to the stop, and I start running like a crazy person to catch it. Thankfully the bus driver sees me and stops so that I can catch up to it. So I get into the seat, feeling like I'm going to collapse because I never run like that, and settle in until I get to the transfer point. And believe it or not, that was the least stressful portion of my trip.

I get to the transfer point and get out to change buses, and it takes nearly forty-five minutes for the correct bus to come. Oh, sure, a bunch of other buses come in that time, but they were all the wrong ones. No, I don't want to go to the community college. No, I don't want to go back to the university, I just came from there. No, I don't want to go to the next city. NO, I do not want to go to the community college again. FINALLY, FINALLY my bus shows up, and by then I'm pretty much a Kaboomsicle. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt, a sweatshirt, and a jacket, but when it's 28 F outside and you've been sitting in the shade for the better part of an hour, you could be wearing a heated HAZMAT suit and still be cold.

Getting to the shopping district wasn't so terrible after that, and I enjoyed a nice lunch of Chipotle, then did some minor shopping for the holidays. Being a university student I don't really have anything other than jeans, T-shirts, and pajama pants, and with the holidays coming up I know there's going to be some more formal events I will have to go to, as well as the possibility of job interviews when I return, so I bought some nicer clothes. But all too soon, it was time to go back to the dormitory. That's when the real problems began.

First, the bus I usually take from the shopping district to the transfer point never showed up. That meant I waited an hour for the OTHER bus, which was running really late. Almost everyone else in the bus shelter was waiting for that bus as well, and we all started talking about stuff to pass the time. That was the only good part about this disaster of a trip- everyone was very nice and wished me luck on my exams, and they all had interesting things going on as well (one woman had just gotten a baby granddaughter and showed everyone pictures on her cell phone- baby was very cute!). FINALLY, the bus got there, and we all piled on, more ice-pops than people by that point. The rest of that bus ride was really uneventful, until we get to the transfer point. Thankfully I only ended up waiting about five minutes at the transfer point until the bus to go back to university came, but that's when things got stupid.

There are two routes that go by the same number, the B bus and the A bus. I take the B bus to get to the university, and the A bus goes downtown, in the opposite direction from the university. The bus that showed up was the B bus, and I got on it to go back. Two minutes after I get on the bus, the transit authority gets on the intercom and says that the A bus had broken down, and because there were generally more people who need to take the A bus than the B bus, the bus I was on was temporarily becoming the A bus, and that if you needed the B route, just stay on the bus and you'd eventually get to where you needed to go. And so the bus goes chugging off, completely in the wrong direction, and I can't even get off to get on the right bus. So going home took about two hours instead of forty-five minutes like it normally would. It could have been worse, I suppose, the B bus could have broken down, and then there would be no bus until it got fixed.

TL;DR- Trying to take mass transit anywhere in the winter sucks.

Nov. 30th, 2010

FML. Again.

I'm back at university for all of one day and I get sick again. I don't know what it is, but I think I may have eaten something bad because I've been having stomach/intestinal problems all night and this morning, and my whole body hurts a lot when I try to move. I'm feeling very poorly and probably need medical help, because I haven't felt this sick since I contracted pneumonia a few years ago (for the record, I do not have pneumonia, I have not been coughing, but I haven't felt this sick since then). I can't decide whether or not to go to the university health service, because it costs so much money and they probably won't do me anything except give me Tylenol, which I prefer not to take (Tylenol has some awkward side effects thanks to the other meds I have to take). But I am feeling pretty sick.

I don't know, I probably will go in an hour or so, because I can't stand feeling like this.

Nov. 15th, 2010

FML. Just FML.

On Friday I got a flu shot. And flu shots are supposed to keep you healthy, right? I didn't think anything of it, until Saturday, when I started to feel extremely poorly. I had a fever, it hurt to move, and I just felt like crap over all. Turns out I got the flu from the flu shot. I'm feeling better today (although still not great), so I guess I didn't get the flu as badly as I would have without the flu shot, but still, I'm kind of pissed about it. I spent most of yesterday sleeping, even though my asshole neighbors decided to be as obnoxious as they could all day and well into the night, but I felt so crappy that I didn't even feel like getting out of bed to speak to them about it, or go text my RA about the noise violation (they're technically supposed to be toeing the line, because if they get written up again they'll be in serious trouble).

I'm still not feeling all that well and would really like to have gone back to bed, but with final exams coming up in less than a month I really cannot afford to miss any more class (especially since I got lazy about halfway through the semester and took a few "sick days" where I really just watched television or surfed the Internet, plus the days I missed earlier in the semester because of my endometriosis acting up). So that means that unless I'm dead, I'm going to need to haul my ass to class.

The only good thing about this whole situation? The end of the semester is in sight and then I'll have almost a whole month off. Plenty of time for me to write and rest before another semester of torture and despair.

No, I really don't like university, whatever gave you that impression? :P